We All Live Such Elaborate Lives [entries|friends|calendar] nyc_or_bust [ website | My Website ] [ userinfo | livejournal userinfo ] [ calendar | livejournal calendar ]

Working things out... [17 Aug 2007|10:08am] Ok...so it's true. Time heals all wounds...but the genius behind this phrase should have told us how much time. I know that wasn't meant seriously I promise. Hey somethings are not lost though...just waiting to be found again I suppose. Let's not make this entry too cliche. I'm not going to say I'm over the sadness and depression and being alone but I suppose I AM saying that it's not bothering me as much. I guess it's an acceptance thing. I did what I did and these are my consequences. I suppose I'm just trying to deal with things best as I can and the best way I know how. I'm thankful for what I have and it's not a crime to wish for more...I'm just hoping and trying. That's all I can do...for now. I start classes on Monday...FALL FEST IS ON MONDAY!! I'm soooo pumped. Dashboard is gonna be awesome...and...I mean Rooney IS going to be there but I'm not THAT excited about them really...and then there is Rooney but I mean...I guess I don't really know them anymore and the only song I was REALLY crazy about with them was Daisy Duke. CLASSES ARE GOING TO SUCK!!! MWF 10:00 AM TR 9:00 AM...BLUH...it's not like I'm sleeping much anyways though so I guess I'll just deal. I guess it just pisses me off that our voice and movement classes still are not scheduled on MW...like...can they do THAT?? haha...I hope to go out tomorrow but everyone is now 21 or faking it haha and I don't have a good enough ID to get me into the real clubs. it's w/e though. I'm always the DD for all my friends i guess I'm glad I can do that at least and make sure everyone is safe. Alright...I'm headin out I gotta do something with today. BYE!!! SWEET WOUNDED JESUS!

Goodmorning [11 Aug 2007|09:33am] [ mood | depressed ] [ music | All At Once ] Ok so...another long night of no sleep...well on and off to be honest I guess. I just hate not sleeping, I wish I was prescribe xanax and could just pass out with one of those but whatever. I'm not sure what I'm thinking in my head anymore. My first idea was to be pissed, mad, angry but I can't be. I put myself here...I mean I can be pissed angry and mad at myself but that's about it. So I suppose this ends a chapter of my life and I need to move on to the next but it's hard to write the end to something so great. Then again, he has why shouldn't I? The sleeplessness, the depression, all this stuff that comes along with it isn't going away anytime soon, just like shakespeare said "what wound did heal but by degrees". I suppose everything in life takes time. Who knows, he may find someone else who is better for him...I guess that's the most depressing part. I know I can't find anyone better than him but from what the things I've pulled I'm sure he won't have a hard time with that. I honestly don't know in my heart if I can be JUST his friend, I suppose that's the hardest part for me right now...I guess we'll see how it goes. I'm just SO fucking miserable. I HATE THAT I DID THIS TO HIM. If there was any gesture I would do it to make him feel better. Maybe some day he'll believe me...until then...I guess I'll keep wishing. I'm not looking for anyone...I want him...I'll do anything... SWEET WOUNDED JESUS!

Not so optimistic but realistic [02 Aug 2007|11:47am] [ mood | depressed ] [ music | Dance Floor Anthem ] Ok...last week I had an amazing day and I meant to write it in here cause I don't get many of those..especially worth writing about. I knew if I didn't write it down I wouldn't be able to capture the true emotions of the time and I didn't and now I'm back at a bad moment. Last night was horrible...no sleep...I feel sick...my throat is sore...my stomach hurts...I'm not hungry. This blows big time. What blows even more is I looked back on my journal from last year and I'm at a loss for words. If I were him I would be acting the same way. I've said this all before...even if I do mean it there is no reason what so ever to believe me. Which led me to my next painful realization...maybe it's best if I just let him go. Obviously it's easier for him to be without me and obviously I am no where good enough for him. How could I say the things I said...even if it was meant as a joke...if I were the guy he wanted. It was all soooooo stupid and immature and just rediculous. I scream at myself because I feel like he wants to scream at me but he won't or cant. He's numb because I have made him that way. I've done all this to myself and I'm stuck here...and feel I may always be here. Not that I won't learn anything from this and take it with me...but as of right now I don't see myself ever picking myself up and moving on with my life because up till now in the past 2 years I've examined my life and described my life in terms of him with me and now I've lost a part of my life...it wasn't just a relationship...it was a chunk of my heart and life that I ripped out myself. It's like a guy amputating his own leg but without knowing it. dealing with the consequences of my actions is not the hardest thing. The hardest thing is putting myself in his shoes because that's when I examine it all and when I have no bias I'm telling him in my head get away from me cause I have nothing to offer him obviously after all the shit he's delt with and I've put him through. I still want to be with him...more than anything. I can't sleep or function without knowing he's with me. Without loving him. I could say a million times to him that I won't screw up again but you know what...I honestly can't promise that...I can't promise to someone that I won't screw up and say something out of line even if it is meant as a joke...because shit happens in life and relationships. I would do anything to never hurt him again...if that means letting him go I suppose I have to, but you know what I really want. I want him to believe that I will grow and love him. I want him to trust me that I will never hurt him again and will remain as I have been faithful to him and only him. See the changes I've already made in my life. See how I've littered out the people who I don't trust or need in my life. Hope that I can supply happiness to him as he deserves. Sadly I don't know if he has it in him to trust me again. It's just the truth I suppose. So for now I'll just remain...not content and outside myself looking on this train wreck! SWEET WOUNDED JESUS!

Once again... [21 Jul 2007|04:55pm] [ mood | lonely ] [ music | Silence ] Here I am...10 months in the future from my last future updating again. WOW! I feel like as an actor when something life changing or anything else occurs in my life I need to record my emotions and feelings and actions and thoughts so that I can refer to it later on so that I can help with my sense memory or put myself there again so that it's not just a lesson learned and move on but a lesson kept and held onto. This journal as I look back is filled with life lessons, if they may be as little as don't jump in an old elevator or you'll get stuck to as big as don't lie or you'll lose everything. Once again I find myself alone I suppose you would say. I suppose what hurts the most is the helplessness of it all. If you could go back in time and change something would you? Not knowing how the outcome happens would you honestly reverse time to change an action. I would I THINK. I worry that if I changed actions I wouldn't have the lessons learned though but in the end I wouldn't be as depressed or totally alone as I am right now. I feel so helpless and alone right now. My heart is aching so badly and being alone isn't helping. I know coming up next weekend Jess will have Mike here for the weekend and Kate is going to be here with Josh...and low and behold I'll be alone. I suppose I would have been alone anyways but not as alone as I am now. I feel bad but I kind of just wanna get away from it all for that weekend but I'd never leave Jess' birthday...too important. I wish it could just all work out. I wish that I wouldn't have played the stupid ass trick I did it wasn't worth it. Sure I got a quick laugh and satisfaction of telling him to fuck off forever. AND thus far it's worked...crosses fingers. I suppose I wish there was a way for him to at least trust me about ONE thing. I think that's what bothers me the most...but honestly...I wouldn't trust me. I've given him reasons not to trust me and what was there in front of his face was too much of a bad joke gone bad. I have to respect his wishes and I will do anything to make this work. I want him to be happy and if that means even letting go someday I suppose I'll have to...I pray to God every single night that never happens. I am taking this time to do just what I told him. I want to grow again. I feel so much farther than I was from who I was this time last year. I suppose it's just another life lesson in the bag but I'm taking this in a positive light. If I had read The Secret yet I suppose I would know how to correctly do that. I'm going to do a day by day clean up of my life. Personally I've already started that. This summer I just realized there are people in my life I don't want there. There were and probably STILL are some fake people there. I know my true closest best friends. I could number them on my two hands, fuck I can do it on one. To be alive that's really all I would need but I like most people...just need to stop trusting people so eagerly...I can't believe the best in everyone. I need to trust the people I need to trust better and be cautious and more private with people who have no business in my life affairs. I deleted so many accounts and started all over and began just I suppose what you would call "cleansing" already. I don't want any part of most people I found out. It's time to grow up and some people aren't ready for that and you can't let those select few bring you down. So I guess it's a day by day process. It's not like "change my life 102" or something like that...how easy would that be...just take a class to change your life for the better...it's not so organized...it's messy. But deep down in my heart I know how it ends and I couldn't be happier. So I suppose that's it for now. SWEET WOUNDED JESUS!

Decisions... [24 Sep 2006|01:34am] [ mood | drained ] [ music | Everglow - Mae ] I have so many decisions in my head right now. Just floating up there. Especially dealing with school. UGH! So lately I've been hostile almost toward my major. I love it so much...like...I mean...I LOVE IT! Yet, to catch up with everyone I have to do 4 crew assignments this year, I'm in Ice Wolfe, and on top of that I really need to get a job. Mom and dad provide me with 300 dollars a month, but add in gas, groceries, and eating outside the house on a rare occasion it cost more than that. Then to have even a BIT of a social life, which is near to impossible now with Flea In Her Ear going, I have to provide my money to party and go out with friends with. My dad is really starting to bother me with the way he talks to me. If he ever does. I call him just to talk and he won't answer, so by the time he talks to me I have a request of SOME kind. I'm sorry that we talk about financial stuff a lot, but at this age and point in my life, it's a main concern of mine. He gets annoyed at my major, I know that. He doesn't think I know what I want to do, and you know what. To a certain point he's right. I'm so confused right now as to what I would love to do with my life. I'd LOVE to be in the theatre, but I understand that I'm not a great actor. I have so much to work on and I'm willing to, but I'm not sure if it's worth the investment if I go out there and just go to audition after audition getting nothing and end up doing something other than acting that I'm not passionate about working for minimum wage looking on the actors. It's not what I want. I literally want it all or nothing. You know what also, fuck whoever says "if you're really passionate about it you'll love any aspect of it", I'm not. I'm not into lighting, or building sets, or costuming, or any of that. I love all the aspects that come together, but me personally doing that for my life, wouldn't make me happy. So I keep wondering if the theatre major is right. I love the major. I love all my classes, with exception of Stage Craft...grrrrrrrr. I wonder if I should get a minor and pursue either English/Comm/Business as a major. Then there's the decision on which of those to make my double major to get into law school. I know want to go to law school but...you know what. For the life of me I have NO clue why I want to go to law school anymore. I love the structure of it all, the financial aspect of it all, the argumentative STRUCTURE to law. I really do like it, but it's no stronger than I love theatre. Both things I'm passionate about. It's just always been a given to me, when I talked to my parents, that I wanted to go to law school. Now I get to college and I struggle to make A's and only make B's with my work. It's ANNOYING honestly. How am I ever going to compete with a 3.5 GPA. I keep leaning toward actually going into Comm and flirting with the ideas of such jobs in that area. I think I'll just keep researching on Princeton Review and just research different things. For right now, my goal is to make it to a California to law school. Honestly, I think my dream would be either going into Entertainment Law or actually being an Agent. I think I have the scrutiny to recruit and build an agency. It would be fun. Powerful and money...haha! You know what, that doesn't sound half bad, put that on the list...haha! I do know SOME things for certain though, no matter what happens....I'll always have a few things that are for sure in my mind. And for this simple yet big decision...there are some bigger decisions I've already made to shape my life...I think I'll make a list of my for sures in this life... FOR SURE... *I want to live in California *I want to live with you *I want to be rich *I want to have Jess in my life forever :-D *I want Kate to be in my life forever!!!!! I MISS YOU BABE!! *I want a puppy to walk on the beach *I want to act in some way, whether it be movies, broadway, or even community theatre *I want to have a nice home *I want to provide for my family *I want to have one or two kids *I want to have money *I want to travel the world *I want to experience life for all it's worth *I want to be proud of myself *I want to be proud of my children *I want to raise my children to be as accepting as I wish the world was *I want respect *I want to honeymoon in Italy and Greece, or Australia, or maybe Fiji, or maybe the Caribbean...oh well...you get it *I want to get married on the beach *I want dreams to become reality yet still feel like a dream Trust me...it'll happen...mark my word...god only knows the path it'll take to get there...but I'll achieve it all. Mark my words. 2 || SWEET WOUNDED JESUS!

"Some things are not lost...just waiting to be found again..." [21 Sep 2006|11:54am] [ mood | rushed ] [ music | Grand Theft Autumn ] So let's see...lately I have been, classes, classes, out of class work, classes, and partying. Thus is the life of a college student right? I am in love with the place I live. I've met so many new people around us. All great guys and girls. Met some people from up in 1500 and over somewhere else...I forget...haha! So life is ebbing on. I've really changed this year. I can tell. I'm a lot more buckled down in school work. It sucks having so many classes, I'll never do this again. Mondays and Wednsdays drive me NUTS! 5 Classes a day is WAY too much. I despise stagecraft days...which I'm delaying going to as I type right now. You know...it's funny how things work out. I listened to myself and heart this time and it REALLY worked out for the best. I suppose just had to learn that. I'm starting to realize, not to be a bitch, you still have to care about people, but put yourself first sometimes. You need to stand up for yourself, especially when some people treat you as a child and they're the one's who are the children in this world. If you can't provide for yourself, take care of yourself on your own, and get by ALONE then it's a sad situation which will come and slap you hard in your face. So why should I waste my time slapping you when you're just going to do it someday to yourself? I guess it's just I'm realizing priorities and friends. I've set me up a little group up here that I enjoy spending time with above all others. I love all people actually...there is no limit to them really...as long as we have good times and they're kind. Also, I am content where I am. I'm not going anwywhere. What feels right is right. Why would it feel right? Nature playing a cruel joke on us? I think not. I believe I had to go through shit to grow up. A long overdue one, but I did. So you know what...I'm happier than I have been in a long time. I'll stay where I'm at and keep climbing up. Listen to your heart and you'll wind up where you're supposed to. I have never met anyone in my entire life...other than Jess...haha...who I have connected with in such a way...or Kate of course...who I am so in touch with. It's like...I know everything...yet so much is still to be discovered...kind of exciting...kind of scary...! All I can say is if you're willing to climb the rest of the way with me...the view from the top will be amazing :-D Ok...I'm not sure if this entry will make sense cause I'm in such a hurry...but I wanted to update...so I will talk to you later. BTW....the job hunt continues...I'll keep you informed where it is I work so I won't be bored and you can come entertain me...haha! SWEET WOUNDED JESUS!

Okay...here goes [07 Sep 2006|12:01pm] [ mood | okay ] [ music | Someone - Bandcamp ] I believe in signs...and this was the big one... I believe in love...and that is with you... I want ONE wish for my birthday...you can guess... I won't give up...you don't want me to... I will hold you...when you let me... I will kiss you...when you want it... I won't give up...I don't want to... I am a new person...I will prove it... You can trust me...or this would be a lie... My feelings are genuine...you told me you knew that... So hold on baby...we're almost off the ride... :-D 2 || SWEET WOUNDED JESUS!

We'll Figure It Out and Make It Happen [04 Sep 2006|11:47pm] [ mood | sleepy ] [ music | I Wanna Be Your Everything - Kieth Urban ] So it's on to my daily routine of writing out my thoughts at the end of my days. Kinda like it. Let's me rest easily. So today was FAIRLY productive. Studied some. Jess and I went to the pool and definitely saw a VERY OBESE MAN! Let's just say there were TECHNICALLY 17 people in the hot tub...but with him...the capacity was far beyond maximum! I was outside today talking to a friend I haven't talked to in a long time. I told her how much I've grown up. How much older I feel. How much wiser and stronger I feel. It wasn't some act or anything. I know when I'm psyching myself out to believe something I just want to believe. It was a legitimate strength. Then she asked me if I thought we were getting back together. At first I answered quickly with a "I'm not sure". Then she asked me...very slowly..."Matthew...tell me what your gut tells you." I can STILL remember what I said. I told her I believe we'll be together. I believe that I've found someone who I want to live with (meaning who I've become) and I believe that once he sees this new person, he'll realize it's the guy that I could never give to him and now can. He'll realize that nothing has changed except for character and values. I told her in my heart I could feel it when I touched him, or held him, or kissed him, or even looked at him. The smile I get still when I see him come out of those doors and to my car. Makes me so happy inside. Yet, what makes me even mroe happy is knowing that by being on my own. Not wanting anyone else, just being on my own, I have grown up. We both know we have a good thing. And if I can qoute last night "we're going to be just fine". Trust me...I still know it takes time, but I can see a light at the end of the tunnel. It's getting closer day by day. Doesn't mean it doesn't hurt anymore. Means that there's redemption in fault. It means that I have held strong and will not settle for less than what I want, and what I want is him. Nothing but him. For good! I want a long relationship with no bull shit this time on my part. No mistakes. I want to give him everything I failed to. Make him see just how important he is. 1 || SWEET WOUNDED JESUS!

It's all I needed [04 Sep 2006|01:12am] [ mood | full ] [ music | I wanna be your everything ] I just needed a confirmation...and I wished and I hoped and waited...and I got it tonight. I'm content and very very happy on the path I'm on right now...hopefully the person walking next to me will stay there! Who knows...maybe we'll start running...or a slow walk at times...but whatever it takes...we'll get somewhere...together... I'm not sure why tonight, but I'm feeling so much older. I feel so empowered. Good times to come. I've made it back to the station on this rollercoaster...let's take the right track this time! Laters boys and girls! MUCH LOVE! PS....TACO BELL CHALUPAS AT 12:30 AT NIGHT ARE AMAZING!!!! The first time I looked in your eyes I knew That I would do anything for you The first time you touched my face I felt What I had never felt with anyone else I wanna give back what you've given to me And I wanna witness all of your dreams Now that you've shown me who I really am I wanna be more than just your man I wanna be the wind that fills your sails And Be the hand that lifts your veil And Be the moon that moves your tides The sun coming up in your eyes Be the will that never rusts And be the spark that lights you up All that you've been dreaming of and more So much more I wanna be your everything When you wake up I'll be the first thing you see And when it gets dark you can reach out to me I'll cherish your words And I'd finish your thoughts And I’ll be your compass baby when you get lost I wanna be the wind that fills your sails And be the hand that lifts your veil Be the moon that moves your tides The sun coming up in your eyes Be the will that never rusts Be the spark that lights you up All that you've been dreaming of and more So much more I wanna be your everything I'll be the will that never rusts And be the spark that lights you up All that you've been dreaming of and more So much more I wanna be your everything I wanna be your everything I wanna be your everything SWEET WOUNDED JESUS!

Fortune Cookies are the SHIT! [03 Sep 2006|08:14am] [ mood | awake ] [ music | Everglow - Mae ] Alright so I suppose since it's this early in the morning and I can't sleep anymore I'll update. Well yesterday was all it was expected to be! HAHA! Good times with best friends, and some new ones! We started pregammin it up here...with how many beer bongs? We had a schedule to get to the stadium so we just decided to streamline drinking the other half of the case by bonging them...haha! Then Vodka and Orange Juice on the go. So we get to the Pit and Bobby has a truck there! So kick! Go get Coors and drink more until the game! I'm pretty sure Justin, Jess and Elissa's voices were all gone...along with mine...before we even got to the field from the bus ride from our place. Soooooo...at the game it was as was predicted...we pounded the "thundering" herd...hahaha! Justin, Elissa and I left at half time and headed back to the apartment and Jess and Bobby were already passed out. We all passed out. THEN I WAKE UP AT FREEKING 9:00 WTF!!!???!!! Thus, I could not get any sleep last night. I tried but kept waking up. Especially from my stomach. So this morning lets run over it all. I can't sleep. My throat is sore. Choked up. Stomach hurts like none other. My voice is gone. DAMN BEER! So Fat Kid Fiesta is tonight. I'm pumped! I want it to be sunny again. Is it just me or do things seem to go more and more wrong with the weather. Like...how can you have a happy day when it rains? Everything in life decides...oh the weather decided you have to have things go wrong now...cue the special effects. Ah well...I got a fortune cookie last night that read "Enjoy what you have, hope for what you lack." So is some guy at the fortune cookie plant giving me a hint??? hahahaha! I don't know anymore. I'm better, I think it's because I know time will mend it all. I did begin thinking...last night when it was so late and I was forced to watch Star Wars cause it's the only thing that was on...haha...I was thinking though...is he trying to push me away and I'm just not getting the hints? Like...maybe it's becuase I'm so dense when it comes to these sort of things. Like...right now...I can't honestly say if I think he wants to try it or he doesn't. I can't tell if he feels the same or not. In my mind I know he has to. Yet, I can't help but shake it that maybe he wants me to go out and start looking around? I don't want to, but maybe it'd help? So many questions just lay in the head and make you even more sick than you were before you know. So I guess I'll just chill...stay on the course we are. I like it. I think it's the road back to the beginning. Everytime I kiss I know it's right. Everytime I see those dimples or hear that laugh I feel safe. Everytime those brown eyes look at me...damn...that's the whole world...in those eyes. Don't you all get it. Some things in life are too worth a fight to say "well fuck it" and shrug and walk away. Some things in life are just too much to even TRY or ATTEMPT to describe them in words...you just have the experience. SWEET WOUNDED JESUS!

Here we go again... [02 Sep 2006|03:27am] [ mood | exhausted ] [ music | Someone - Bandcamp ] Alright....so it's 3:30 and I'm sitting here and can't get to sleep. So what else to do but write out my emotions and feelings inside of my head so that you on the wide world web to read? I believe I've gotten over the hardest hurdle of all this and we're on our way back...but then I have set backs smacking me in the face with reality and it's like...WHAM matthew. This isn't a movie, there are no simple plots, there are no complex plots that end happy in the long run. It's jsut life. Life isn't bad or good...it's just life. I don't think it's fair for someone to say...my life is GREAT...or my life SUCKS...it's just LIFE! We all go through it, different situations, but it's still life...it's still a strugle. It's hard to deal with my mistakes, and if it's hard for me I can only imagine what it's like for you. I realize it's going to take time, I realize that it would be very naive of me to think it could go back to normal. I also can see where you all would think I'm crazy thinking that we could ever do it again. To all of you I have one phrase "FUCK YOU ALL...with love." In the long run you ALL have no say in it except for he and I. Two people's decisions on the path of their lives. If he can trust me or not, if I can keep a promise....these are all decisions for us. I know my answers...deep down in my heart...I know that I could be with him...forever. Now I know this scares him, and he's cautious and very...pensive to step into ANYTHING...let alone a relationship. It would be stupid and crazy of him to jump right in without teaching me a lesson. If he didn't put me through hell it'd be too easy and I'd NEVER learn anything. Perhaps we'll never be back together, god forbid. I'm not sure what I'll do then. I'm taking it day by day. And you know what, today I believe we'll be together. I think in the morning, I'll still believe that, and you KNOW WHAT! I can guarantee you in 30 years I could wake up and STILL believe I would still want to be with ONLY him! It goes way beyond looks, not to mention that he is the most beautiful boy on the face of this planet, with gorgous brown eyes, cute dimples, the sweetest smile, and the softest touch of anyone I've ever met. Yet, there something beyond all of this even. Something bigger! His personality is mature, is nurturing, humorous, caring, he listens, he TALKS, we have a great time together, I am content with SILENCE if he's there. This is not easy to find. I messed up. Tonight was a bad night. It was a reminder of why I'm where I'm at. It's hard to swallow sometimes. But even with bad medicine, before it gets all better, even when you think it's gone away, you still have to take that BAD tasting medicine that makes you want to gag, just to make sure it's completely gone, I think tonight was my last dose. I love you so much. I can't imagine a day without you. I think I just let down my wall and let you know everything. I let you know where I'm vulnerable. And you know what? I don't care. I want you to know. I want you to know just where to penetrate. I want it to hurt so bad that it feels good. So I'm ready. Let's start this. Let's get back to something BETTER! Goodnight... Till there's someone to cry about Someone to fight it out Someone to say you're the reason they breathe Till there's someone you're crazy about The one you can't live without Someone to say you're the reason they breathe SWEET WOUNDED JESUS!

So this is what it feels like? [31 Aug 2006|12:07am] [ mood | calm ] [ music | Everglow - Mae ] So this is how it feels to sit in your room at midnight, in your own place, feel you've changed, and just be happy? Is it? If so I'm content. If not I want more. That's the one thing I just keep asking myself, after all of this do I want more? Do I want more LIFE? The answer is yes, a BIG RESOUNDING YES! Without the experiences of the past few months I would have been no better of a person than I was before. Without experience you can't make an ending product, but at the same time, isn't that the beauty of life. There isn't just one equation and it all works out...or that ONE missing variable. There are TONS of missing variables, and fractions, and logarithms, and other such annoyances of math that just make this life incredibly hard to figure out. We can only figure out our own, screw figuring out other people's lives. You can help with your own experience, but in the end the only thing you have to go on and give advice are YOUR experiences. So I'm sitting here and yes I am content. I am content where I am at. I am content where we are at. I'm secure in knowing it's right. I'm secure in knowing this is right. I have the best friends in the world. I have a love that could NEVER compare to anything in this world. I have lessons that would have normally taken years but with guidance, my strength, and his help I have gone miles already. I am happy and content in being in MY room, in MY place, studying MY books, expanding MY mind, and making ME into someone I want to be. In other news Jess may have made the BEST dinner of all time tonight. As usual, my overly zealous cleaning came into play as I took out the trash today and cleaned the kitchen and dishes. I mean come on SHE COOKED! The least I could do was that. I got dinner on Sunday though and this Sunday. Justin, Alyssa, Elissa and perhaps Kara hopefully will be coming over for Fat Kid Fiesta!!!!! TEQUILA AND CORONA!!! NO SCHOOL ON MONDAY??? WHAAAAAAT? So I'll leave you with one last thing before bed tonight! "Ask me if I'm an orange?" "Are you an orange?" "NOOOO!!!" This time, This place Misused, Mistakes Too long, Too late Who was I to make you wait Just one chance Just one breath Just in case there’s just one left ‘Cause you know, you know, you know That I love you I have loved you all along And I miss you Been far away for far too long I keep dreaming you’ll be with me and you’ll never go Stop breathing if I don’t see you anymore On my knees, I’ll ask Last chance for one last dance ‘Cause with you, I’d withstand All of hell to hold your hand I’d give it all I’d give for us Give anything but I won’t give up ‘Cause you know, you know, you know That I love you I have loved you all along And I miss you Been far away for far too long I keep dreaming you’ll be with me and you’ll never go Stop breathing if I don’t see you anymore So far away Been far away for far too long So far away Been far away for far too long But you know, you know, you know I wanted I wanted you to stay ‘Cause I needed I need to hear you say That I love you I have loved you all along And I forgive you For being away for far too long So keep breathing ‘Cause I’m not leaving Hold on to me and never let me go 1 || SWEET WOUNDED JESUS!

Happy is what happens when your dreams come true... [28 Aug 2006|10:36pm] [ mood | accomplished ] [ music | Everglow - Mae ] Well...here I am again just chilling in my room and contemplating recent events. It's strange how you can have the world one morning and then that night it's like...a dream. Then I began thinking about it, as I have been very contemplative the past few days again. I was wondering why I wasn't upset. I think it's because, even if he didn't mean it to be, it was some sort of glimpse. I can see it in his eyes...hell...I can see it in my eyes...there is something there that we both can't ignore. We both may make mistakes but I believe it will all end the way we both know but won't admit to one another. That's okay too, for now I like where we're at. The way he put it last night was good. I thought we were on a path...maybe we are on a path, we just have no reason to skip and run ahead when we can savor every moment of the build up. I'm at the point that I can trust again, but he's not, and for good reasons. It's my responsibility to give him every reason to trust me again. He can. I will stick to my word no matter what. Life is good. Depression is over. I'm not going out and seeing anyone. For the same reason as before, I don't want anyone else than him in this entire world. Nothing compares to him. I will not let myself settle for anything less...I must at least let him know he's worth the biggest fight out of any boy. You know? He's worth AT LEAST that...plus much more. I was thinking today and I came up with a qoute...BY ME!! "We have ONE big wrong reason and a million right reasons." So it's not as prophetic as it was in my mind...but still. ANYWAYS! I know you all are tired about hearing that, but I want to remember every feeling during this process so that I never mess up again. I'll have a document where I can feel the pain or happiness again of that moment! So tonight I went to the gym after I went to the hot tub...ALONE because my roomies are obsessed with Kyle XY and I must admit...it was a GOOD show. So now I'm sore from the leg exercises from Dance today and now my abs are hurting SO much from the power crunch machine...ahhhhhh! My heart is doing well though, recently. It's not getting fast or stuff when I drink, I think it's because I don't drink as much anymore. I've only been legit drunk maybe 2 nights since I've been back. It's been good. You know. No matter what I've grown up and matured this year already and I'm happy about that. Time is man's ultimate friend and enemy. Take life day by day...it'll lead me back to you! Night boys and girls... Here's a night, and it shines and it calls us on and on so be here by my side and watch the stars they're ours, make a wish or just take charge the moment comes get lost and go far I think that we've got what it takes to get this heart start beating again so take it all the way. Whoa, and our heart's are on the everglow, so just let go and fall into it We begin, breathe in here's our chance to go for something so this is where we win and take the game no blame, there's a neon light, inside it shines tearin' down the walls in our way I think that we've got what it takes to get this heart start beating again so take it all the way, Whoa, and our hearts are on the everglow deep inside, we both know it everything's hangin' on this moment Whoa, and our heart's are on the everglow so just let go and fall into it It's cold inside look deep in the night the light is bright enough to save the weakest ones to go for the ride in oh no you cannot fade away whoa, and our hearts are on the everglow whoa, so just let go, and fall into it Whoa, and our hearts are on the everglow deep inside we both know it everything's hangin' on this moment whoa, and our hearts are on the everglow every action makes a reaction figure it out and make it happen whoa, and our hearts are on the everglow so just let go and fall into it SWEET WOUNDED JESUS!

Everything in life is only for now... [24 Aug 2006|09:43pm] [ mood | mellow ] [ music | For You To Notice - Dashborad Confessional ] I love my dad. I could regail you with a great motivational speech which he gave me again today, but I think you've all heard enough so how about an actual update. The apartment. Well our apartment is AMAZING! IT'S GREAT! We decorated it so nicely between the three of us. My room is so comfy...it reminds me of my one back home. I very just...plane and modern...haha...but it's home. My bed is SO comfortable. I had a GREAT dream last night...but woke up at 6 A.M. and as usual couldn't go back to bed after thinking about it. Damn it. So I just woke up and chilled getting ready for my 10:30 A.M. class! WHICH...I don't have to go to that often. Next week we're already off for it thank god! So that means usually Tuesdays and Thursdays I won't have class till 12:30. I hate my stagecraft class. It's kind of cool to get to mess around with big machinery...but I mean...honestly...it's me! Let's think about putting my little tiny body on a big piece of plywood! Oh well...it's required so I must suck it up. I guess that's one thing I'm getting use to these days. Dealing with things my own way. Anyways. Something did happen today that I'm so proud of myself. I told off...ok no not told off...I explained to this person how I felt...I should have a year ago...but I found...I swear it's this new strength thing I got going on...that I could just so honestly see him for who he was...see how incredibly messed up he had to be to think that I was his friend!!! AFTER THAT!!! I feel relieved. Life's alright I suppose. Jess and I have just bonded so well and Maddy and I were already bonded but she's so easy to live with...like we're all doing so well. It's made me really happy to have someone there these past weeks now, but you know what's even better. Knowing that I'm getting myself through this. Without the help of others. I pick up the pieces and decide what I'm going to do. So even if waiting and falling deeper in love with him is a wrong choice...which in my heart I feel it's not and I'm listening to that now...not anything else but my heart. It led me to him...maybe his will lead him back to me someday. But I'm making these decisions and if they're wrong...well they were my decisions and I don't feel that they're wrong...they're just part of life. I did it! Without the input of anyone else. I will prove to him that I'm serious, committed, and ready. If it takes months I will do it. THERE WILL BE TRUST DAMN IT!!! HAHAHA! So in other news hopefully will be hosting the first...kind of party up here tomorrow night...YAY! I'm pumped! Well I'm off to work on some work and the such. Give me a call boys and girls! Later! Peace and Love...Spread it people! ALSO SOME LYRICS I FOUND TODAY...like I swear it was destiny I just did a RANDOM Search!!! READ THEM! "For You To Notice" Dashboard Confessional I'm starting to fashion an idea in my head where I would impress you with every single word I said. Would come out insightful or brave or smooth or charming and you'd want to call me And I would be there every time you'd need me I'd be there every time... But for now I'll look so longingly waiting... For you to want me, for you to need me, for you to notice me SWEET WOUNDED JESUS!

Here goes nothing... [24 Aug 2006|12:46am] [ mood | optimistic ] [ music | Someone - Band Camp ] Ok so...recently I've been doing a lot more writing for meditative purposes in my head. It helps to write down my feelings. It's easier to get them out...uninterrupted and pure...and with reflection and thought. Like...how beautiful is the english language and the gift of writing? Okay...that was too philisophical for even me. So in my recent situation I'm still not swaying from my personal decision to not so much cling but to hang on. I talked to dad last night. Dad told me a story about he and Brad that I had never been told. Early on, I knew that Brad wasn't out and left someone for Dad. Yet dad left Brad after that for a guy. Dad dated this guy till they broke up a month later. Dad broke up with this guy...he won't tell me who so I'm guessing it's still a friend and he wants me to not have any bias of the such around the guy...not sure. Anyways, Dad tells me he knew at that moment he was making the biggest mistake of his life. He rushed back to Brad whereupon he was met with rejection. Brad and Dad continued to talk, yet Brad was talking to another guy. This is where the story got too close for comfort. Dad told me that he never gave up, just gave in to what Brad wanted. Brad wanted the opportunity to be given what Dad was. He also wanted to teach Dad a lesson that he would not tolerate to be treated in such a manner. Dad told me he went through EXACTLY what I am going through. He told me no matter what to not give up. He told me that TRUST is the one thing that must be earned back. Trust is the basis for a relationship and a relationship is the basis for a life together. Without trust you are nothing. He told me..."honestly son, I wouldn't trust you either." He then proceeded to tell me how, if it feels right, if you can't go on without him, then you know he feels the same way. He just needs his time. I asked him how long he and Brad waited. He told me 4 long months. It was in March, right after dad's birthday that they were back together. That November I was introduced to him. Then in March of the next year they were engaged. Now...well...it gets better every day...I suppose? He told me to follow what he said the other night. To not give up. Not to cry. Harden it all and learn. It will happen. HONESTLY EVERYONE...under my actions and past history I wouldn't trust me either. What I want though is to prove you all wrong and show you who I am. I am sticking to my word. I am well aware that I am no longer in a relationship and please to do what I want. I think the first step to proving to HIM that I can be true to my word...and to you ALL...is to stick to my word on here. I am telling you all I REFUSE to compromise myself and my beliefs. My beliefs is that he will find forgiveness through my strength and hard work. He will find love again with us. He will see what could be right and what could be better. He'll see my hard work. He'll see it was all for him...and me. You all will see that I can and will become a better person. I thought about my definition of LOVE today for my growing person. I began with Love is patient and love is kind. Then I started thinking...Patience. Perhaps that's what I lack. Patience. Patience to know that if it is meant to happen...it will. Patience for him to come around. Patience for me to grow and allow him to come around. I will acquire this. FINALLY! FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO SCOFF AT EVERYTHING I'M WRITING ON HERE...BEN!!!! You have no clue what you're talking about...I pushed you out of my life a long time ago...and I'm sorry, but you're not right. He is worth it, I am worth changing, and this is worth a fight.....and A HELL OF ONE TOO!!! Alright kids...on the other note. School is keeping me busy and being a good boy. The only nights I have to go out are on the weekends and that is a good thing. I enjoy just chillin in the apartment. Love my roomates. Very supportive. Very loving. Just a nice HOME. G'night everyone...until later! Much love! BTW...I think my rollercoaster has smoothed out. I think it's ready for a coast back to the station. 1 || SWEET WOUNDED JESUS!

You are my home... [22 Aug 2006|08:32am] [ mood | calm ] [ music | Heavy breathing and thoughts... ] Wow...so let's see. The first week at school. I got here with the best welcome I could have imagined and then we could say it went downhill from there. I feel like I'm on this rollercoaster going down a gigantic hill...my stomach is in my throat...my heart is racing...and it's not reaching the bottom. When can I reach the bottom? Where is the bottom? Because every time I think I've hit it I go lower and sink farther down into this pit. It's strange how much more you hurt when you're the one to blame you know? Like somehow it's easier to forgive another person but how to you forgive something you can't rationalize or condone...it just happened in a moment of stupidity or something? I guess these are questions I'll answer in the days ahead. I wonder sometimes...how long I'll be waiting for me to reach the bottom and get back to the station of this rollercoaster, this rollercoaster definitely beats the Beast for longest in the world. Will I myself wait how I think now? I feel like, right now, I could wait forever. I could sit in my room alone and cuddle with a memory of him and be alright for the moment, learn to live without him but waiting for him. Then I remember what my dad said "If you feel it in your gut then there's no denying it, you'll get back to it." I'm sorry everyone, I don't care how careless this is, I know people use the word love lightly but I've never felt something so strong in my heart as I do right now. I don't have just a "feeling in my gut" I have a feeling all over. Everything reminds me to of him and how important it is to wait for what is RIGHT. I don't want a relationship at all, I don't want to settle for second best or a nice replacement for the time being. Honestly, I guess if one good thing came out of my mistake is that it did test my feelings, it took me close to 2 weeks to realize I had made the biggest mistake of my life, and it took me 3 weeks to change that. It's now taken me 2 months to spiral down lower than I've ever been in my life. I'm growing up though...I thought about a list in my head of what I want for my next relationship...what I need... TRUST - There wasn't enough to begin with. If anything makes or breaks a relationship it's trust. The millions of white lies of no significance what-so-ever build up to a gigantic heavy thing that is there always making the other person question what you're saying. What relationship would work if you constantly question the others emotions, intentions, or actions? I couldn't do that and I don't expect my boyfriend to either. I'm working on being front forward with everyone. Honestly I can say right now, I trust YOU if you're MY friend, the real question is, do you trust me I suppose. HONESTY - Another thing to do with trust but I felt deserved a seperate heading because of some people's views that hiding certain things for the protection of thereselves is not wrong. Be front forward with every person you meet. If they don't like you for you then what's the point in liking them at all? How does any relationship work if honesty is not a key factor? I can HONESTLY say that I hid things and regret every moment of it. If it wasn't for a lack of honesty I wouldn't be in this stage right now. Then again, perhaps it's for the best. Someone or something had to teach me, I suppose it was you and this. Sad that I couldn't do it on my own. INDEPENDENCE/DEPENDENCE - This you wouldn't think I would have anything really to say about but I do. I feel like if in my own relationship before I would have had the right balance of these two things I wouldn't have done what I did. I was so dependent on him being there, that when he wasn't I didn't know what to do. My independendence would kick in and therefore I did stupid things because I had no dependency. I needed the strength of independence in a dependent relationship. Understandable, it is to me. LOVE - Of course this was coming. I suppose you all want me to say something along the lines of "I could never tell if something better would come along" but I'm not going to. I'm sorry, no, no I'm not sorry, I'm not sorry that I've found the single strongest feeling that I have ever felt in my entire life of 19 years. I have felt love from the bottom of my heart to the top of it. My soul was complete, calm and happy with him. Nothing can compare to this. It's a feeling I get when I look into his eyes. No physical contact is needed, just a connection. Those BEAUTIFUL brown eyes that I use to call mine. They tell all I'm telling you...god. I knew when he was seriously in love by them, and I knew when he knew this was over by them. I have never cried my entire life as I have this week. I feel like I could fill the Great Lakes with tears. You know what though, after a while the tears just, well they're just tears. They honestly don't make the hurt go away. I believe that's another thing where love is found. You find it in your soul. STRENGTH - I have the strength to sit here and say I was wrong. I have the strength to sit here and tell you all that I've changed. I also have the strength to pull myself together, walk around as if I'm okay, go home and stay alone, because in my mind is the one strength above all else. I know you'll come to the realization I have now. I know you'll feel it again. I have strength in my weakness because I know that you love me. I know we'll be ok. I know that someday. Maybe tomorrow, maybe next week, maybe in a month, maybe in months, sometime you will find that you can be with me. You'll rememeber the nights. You'll remember the days. You'll think about what was wrong and how I have changed. I have strength to not let me act upon feelings I know are there, because I have faith that those actions will play again at a right time. SELF RESPECT - Self respect is something I suppose I had before but not like right now. For example, I always fit myself into friends rather then letting it just "work". I can't do that anymore. Half the reason I'm sad I suppose is because I have just so many fake people in my life that I streamlined out. I live with the two people in this world that matter so much, other then Kate and Michelle, they've always been there too. Still, without my self respect I relied on others validations of myself to analyze who I was. I am Matthew Kale Link. I am not the type to go to Vice. I honestly do not like the people there. I'm not the guy to go out and party anymore every day of the week. I enjoy sitting in and watching a movie with a friend/s, I enjoy cooking a meal for myself (it makes me feel independent haha), I am actually starting to enjoy mornings *GASP*, I don't need anyones validation of my character or actions but my own. If I know right from wrong now then I know what I should and shouldn't do. Respect yourself and you'll be better. I'm not sure if you all know what it feels like to be set free but I'm flying right now. Just took off and I think I'm on my way to the top again? I'm sure they'll be some dips along the way, but what's the fun without that occasional stomach dropping hill? Waiting does not make me week. It makes me mature. It makes me know what I want. I will not settle for less than what I want. You are what I want, you are where I belong, you are MY HOME. I suppose I should get off here now...I'll make sure to update on a regular basis from now on. Don't think I don't sit here and think about you every second of every day. I just have faith that you'll see the change. Until then I'll just keep learning on my own. Much love to everyone...spread it people 1 || SWEET WOUNDED JESUS!

I hate to do this [24 Jul 2006|11:52pm] [ mood | numb ] [ music | nothing ] I hate to do this but I don't. I've been thinking about it for a while. I don't like the stuff I've put on here. I hate the past personally. Though I've grown up, beyond what people may see, far more from what I've gone through from the past. I still hate reliving it when I go back in this journal. I hate some of the people that are in my past. I just don't like it. I like where I'm at. In this moment. I'm content. Sitting here in my room. Candle and a stick of incense fragrancing this room. Dimly lit. No sound from the tv or computer. My puppies asleep on my bed. My script in front of me. It's calm. Peaceful almost. Everything will be ok in life if you just live day to day. It reminds me of the ending to Mrs. Doubtfire. It's just life. Not a fairy tale ending, but a happy one. All my love. This makes no sense to anyone. So I'll stop. Goodnight. I miss you. I love you. And I'm still hurting. 1 || SWEET WOUNDED JESUS!

Great news!!! [15 May 2006|02:21pm] [ mood | chipper ] [ music | Boy Meets World ] Just realized great news...hehe. After next semester I'll be a junior so yay! I'll get to register early score. So yeah, I also got the call from the law firm this morning. They accepted everything so they're sending me a confirmation letter with my start day and everything. For now I'm full time, getting paid 500 dollars a week so I'm not sweating a thing. It's going to be hard work though, also fulfilling the stuff on my own personal schedule for my internship...yeah it will be...busy and fun and good...no GREAT money. I've already started looking at my scheduling for the Spring Semester. Can't wait to move into the apartment and be at home. OMG! I had THE strangest dream last night. We were back at school, it was before the summer break and for some reason Ben, Maddy, and I had JUST started a law class in Nicks Canteen??!!???!!! We got a REALLY nice flat on top of Casa...where did THAT come from. I woke up when Bob Martin walked in our class and was talking to me and got Ben and I in trouble and Maddy was in the front throwing stuff at the teacher...WTF???????? Yeah...so that was my night and morning thus far. Gotta go...peace. By the way I should do this already Come see Goodnight Grover's Corners "The trouble with war as that the living suddenly stop learning from the dead..." Friday and Saturday May 19, 20, 26, 27 8:00 P.M. 123 Summers Street; The Capital Theatre Starring: Arron Stull Benjamin Thomas Erin Martin Evan Wilson Laura Glassburn Madeline Ranson Sarah Dixon and a short appearance by Matthew Link $5.50 Students / $9.50 Adults SWEET WOUNDED JESUS!

In The Summertime When The Weather Is Hot... [13 May 2006|03:54pm] [ mood | indifferent ] [ music | Bad Boy - Cascada ] Hey boys and girls! Back home and thus far I've been...a little productive? HAHA! Basically what I've done is stayed up till 3 or 4 A.M. because I can't sleep well, wake up at 1 or 2 P.M., Go to practice and sit and observe, Come home and work on things here, and start it all over. Yeah...exciting I know. I did have the law firm finally call me back. They told me they finally got my resume to Whitney and they liked my experience and showed a good future and they'd love to see me in for an interview. So that's exactly what happened. I went in and was interviewed by a million people, introduced to the secretaries in the office, David and I met for a while and talked (great guy), then I was given a tour of what the offices and such was and how it looked. I can't wait to own my own firm. It was so nice up there. I'm on Capital Street about 2 doors up from Taylor's so that'll be fun :-) . At night I've been going to Grover's Corners. Yeah I was sucked back in time and now I remember what it was like. They're all doing really well. I mean...I see a difference from the last time...but not a lot...it's still the same show just different casting in spots and a little toned down at times...which works better. Staging is better this time. Dan and I have been talking a lot. Got to read from The Shadow Man when I went to acting class the other day. It's gonna be a good show! Nervous more than ever about filming to start. It's intimidating as hell to see Arron up there and having to fill that...I can't. I cuss out Dan on a regular basis and he just laughs. We've met a few times and mind you it'll be much different...not in a bad way though...just a different character. I just basically sit there and follow lines with them or go downstairs and memorize the script for myself which is what I really need to be doing so after they get it all down I'll just stay down there and use it as study time. Got grades in...not as I had hoped which got me really pissed. I started to look online at the Law Schools I want to apply to. NYU is number one on my list, it's been my dream school for law since I decided on this profession. Location and the prestige of a degree from there...it's like...INSTANT job. Doesn't come without the work though. I've also found a few more highly credential law schools in NYC that I could get into with my grades. I still have a fighting chance at NYU if I keep my GPA up and score well on my LSAT. That's gonna be a bitch. I really just don't wanna go to WVU for law school. It's ranked in the bottom ten of the nation for law school cause it's so easy to get into. Mind you there are good lawyers that come out of there, but it just doesn't have the prestige to the name of it as other places do. Especially out on the west coast. I say WVU over in Denver and no one knows what the crap I'm talking about...WYOMING?? ugh! I'm just getting mad at being mediocre at everything now. I was like...top game last year. It seems now that anything I do...even if I try I am mediocre at it. I want to be great. Yeah...I slacked off which is half the reason why I'm in the predicament I am right now with it but I can change that and I will. It just seems like a slump everyone else leeped out of and I'm stuck in the mediocracy rut. Acting...I'm not great at but I can do it. Grades...used to be great...now they're B's and A's. Looks...yeah...I don't look as good as I used to and I can't figure out what to do. If I try to get muscle I can't because I can't gain weight. I managed to LOSE weight at college...ugh. My health is just mediocre even though they can't figure out what's wrong with my heart. For once I just want to excel at everything. I want my dad to be able to talk to me without complaining about how he got straight A's throughout college. How if I lived out there I wouldn't have the problems I do...ugh. On top of ALL this...I miss Justin. I'm going up there though with Jess the second week we have off from GC before filming. He barely has enough room for Jess and I but I hope he can make it. I want to see him badly. It's killing me. We were talking on the phone last night and he said he woke up and both of our phones were still on and his had been on for 2 and a half hours...haha...falling asleep on the phone. You know...this mediocre thing will leave...I'll get straight A's next semester. I've already stopped drinking for the summer. It makes me feel a lot better. I'll drink every once in a while but I realized. I haven't drank in almost 4 weeks now. Since the night I woke up thinking I was gonna have to go to the ER with Justin cause my heart was about to explode in bed, I haven't had anything to drink. I'll drink once in a while maybe but I enjoy just going out and hanging out without the hangover in the morning and stuff like that. Still not sure why my heart does that but I guess I just won't drink anymore. Anyways...I'll have my job at the law firm which is great cause most people don't get an internship till like...their junior-senior year. As for acting...I'm improving every day...every day I take it more and more seriously. This will work... Optimistic Matthew...mmmhmmm P.S. Matthew will soon be moving away from Butt Fucking Egypt...hehe. We're looking at houses in Kanawha City back to where I came from :-D I miss it there. Thank the lord. Gonna try to hang with the cult tonight so later boys and girls! 1 || SWEET WOUNDED JESUS!

Summary of times and Quiz [11 Apr 2006|12:46am] [ mood | blah ] [ music | Why Does It Hurt So Bad - Whitney Houston ] Your Theme Song is Y.M.C.A. by the Village People "It's fun to stay at the Y-M-C-A. They have everything for young men to enjoy, You can hang out with all the boys..." Whether you're a boy crazy girl or a boy crazy boy... Flirting with all the boys is what you do best (even when it gets you in trouble!) What's Your Theme Song? Of course I would be...ugh Anyways...I just would like to say something. I'm getting sick of certain things, but I can't exactly explain them on here. I hate 2 faced back stabbing bitches. Present your self one way and go. Also, I've been trying to grow up here. I mean. Most of my friends ARE older than me. I know you guys have time up on me and stuff like that. Honestly though, I'm TRYING. I know I go through this same conversation all the time on here and it seems to me from past entries I'm either having a break down or an epifany or just a smoothe sailing toward one of these extremes...on this journal that is. I want to have my graph constantly going up toward epifany...I need to stop this damn rollercoaster line graph. I want people to forgive and not so much forget but workout things. I want my damn cell phone to work, sorry random note. I want people to believe in me finally and have faith I can do things and get them done and be trustworthy. I want people to know I'm TRYING to change. I want to focus on other people more. I really am trying. Since Madeline and I I've tried so hard to be there for her. It's hard to change something that you have been for so long, whether it be right or wrong...it's hard to change force of habit. I hope I have improved. I want to stop being looked down upon as a small child not worthy of being here. I want other people to know that they shouldn't be saying certain things about me cause the SAME EXACT...if not more...maturity contest could be swayed on them and they would so not even be CLOSE to comparing to it. I want to be a better friend to people. I want to prove to them I've changed...and I can. I want so much to find a balance in my life. I thought I was coming close but then something happens of no consequence what so ever at the time...blows up in my face cause other people LOVE for some reason to see me in drama and shit. Somehow my laboring makes others smile. JUST BELIEVE IN ME. BELIEVE I CAN BE THERE FOR YOU. Believe I can be a good friend again. Believe I can be a good boyfriend and trust worthy. Trust me. I love you. I love you. I especially love you. I even love you. I don't love you so much anymore...but...I'm not sure about how I feel toward you exactly...and NO this is not talking about YOU. I'm going to go before I confuse myself...let alone you guys. Other news not related to that rant. Dad and Brad got back. I had to ask him to review my resume for the law firm this summer. He really REALLY wants me to come out there...so does Brad. I can't...I've promised too much and I wouldn't have my friends out there. I know I could make them but still...eh. I'm ready for a break from this all. ALSO... "Dinner With Friends" was GREAT tonight and you all should try to come see it. I have confidence again. Come see it at the Vivian Davis Michael Theatre in the Creative Arts Center. 7:30 Tuesday and Wednsday still left. JUST TRUST ME...we'll ALL be fine if you give it a fucking chance. SWEET WOUNDED JESUS!

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